Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize