I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
