She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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