my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
