my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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