I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
