Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
