i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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