Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
