i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
