I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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