i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
