i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize