it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
