I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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