My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
