I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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