We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
