Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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