Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
