her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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