The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
