we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
