dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
