The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
