It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
