I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
