oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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