Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
