Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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