The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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