This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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