I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
