dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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