All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you had me at cake vodka
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
