I hate your face
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
