Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
