stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
