Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
