Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
