You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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