OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
