wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
