Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
