Swine flu. Run for my life!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
