omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
