Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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