you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
