Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
