We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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