I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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