Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
