Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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