Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
