guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
