i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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