you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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