Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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