Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We left the knife in your bed.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
