someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
